The Verdict

I finally saw the rheumatologist today and got a diagnosis.  Not rheumatoid arthritis, but psoriatic arthritis.  The two are so similar that it’s very difficult to diagnose one versus the other, absent certain signs.  My rheumatoid factor test and my CCP test were both negative; also, some of my joint pain is not symmetrical – in other words, some joints are affected on one side and not the other – and I’m having more pain with larger joints, versus smaller.  All of those signs point more toward PA than RA, so that’s the tentative diagnosis.  We’re repeating the blood tests – these are a few months old – and doing some x-rays to determine how much damage is present, but the verdict is pretty much in.

It’s not a bad verdict, really.  The doctor doesn’t see much indication of damage – pending the x-rays – which is good news.  My range of motion is still excellent in nearly all cases, which is also good.  Right now, he’s told me we don’t need to start methotrexate or even go to prescription NSAIDS; I can continue to treat with OTC anti-inflammatory agents, unless and until we start seeing damage and/or the OTC meds aren’t controlling the pain well enough.  So for now at least, no real changes to my lifestyle beyond those I’ve already made – i.e., cleaning up my diet and trying to settle into a moderate exercise program that gives me all the benefits without putting too much strain on my joints. (That’s a work in progress, but I’m learning – for instance, squats?  Great.  Lunges?  Hell, no.  It’s a learning process.)

It’s funny, though.  When you start looking at a serious change to your physical condition – one over which you really don’t have complete control – I think it makes you pay a little more attention to what you’re doing with your life.  It’s not quite like a diagnosis of a terminal illness – this isn’t going to kill me – but it’s along the same lines, I guess.  If I have a limited amount of time to be able to do whatever I want, it becomes more important to figure out exactly what I do want.  I don’t want to waste my years of being able to type easily, typing legal pleadings and letters that really mean nothing much to me.  I want to spend them writing, making every word count, making every phrase mean something more to me than the mere sum of the words.  If I am not always going to be able to run, then I want to spend my “running years” running around the yard with my kids, not running on the treadmill.    Et cetera…ad infinitum.

It also puts other things in perspective, I’ve noticed.  The number on the scale has ceased to have much meaning for me at all.  I know that I need to take some more weight off, but my reasons have definitely changed.  Now, it’s got very little to do with how I look or what size clothes I wear, and more with the fact that fat cells produce cytokines, so the more I have, the greater my risk of inflammation.  Losing weight and shedding some of that fat could positively impact my condition.  Gaining weight, on the other hand, would definitely negatively impact it.  So weight is an issue, still, but for very different reasons.   And I’m more concerned with how I’m eating in terms of what I’m putting into my body other than food; in other words, “clean” has become much, much more important to me than it ever was.  In a way, this has helped me progress toward the real goal I always had – being able to see food as fuel and a building block for my body, rather than having some emotional connection or attachment to it.  I’m not completely there, but I’m definitely closer than I ever was before.

It’s been sort of a wake-up call.  Much of the frivolous nonsense on which I fixate daily has ablated, and I’m left with some serious contemplation of my inner geography, both in a physical sense and in a metaphysical sense.  I need to figure out what’s important to me in life, so I can make the most of it while I’m still fully functional.  That way, if at some point in the hopefully-distant future I am left with nothing but sitting in a wheelchair and contemplating my navel, I’ll have some amazing memories and a sense of real accomplishment and fulfillment to contemplate, rather than resentment and bitterness and a feeling of being cheated.

Whatever I decide to do, I want to be able to do it with all of me, with my heart and soul and every ounce of joy and enthusiasm in me.  That is the rule I want to live by.    And starting now, I’m going to try.

My Christmas Resolutions

As the weather cools and the leaves fall, I find that my thoughts begin to turn to Christmas.  Or perhaps it’s the overwhelming deluge of Christmas advertising and decorating by the Retail Mafia that causes the mind-shift.  Either way, each year I find myself swearing that “this year it will be different”.  This year, I say, I will not be stressed and anxious and rushing around like a madwoman making everyone around me miserable so they can share in my Holiday Panic.  This year, I will plan ahead and do things right.  And every year, it’s exactly the same; by December 23, I’m in full-on Panic Mode, stressed out, exhausted, resentful, in debt, and just counting the minutes till it’s over.  Oh, and generally sick, to boot.

This year?  Well, it’s nearly November and I haven’t even made a list, so I think the planning ahead part is pretty much out the window.  But that’s okay, because this year I’m trying a new approach.  This year, I’m making the following Christmas Resolutions:

1. This year, I am buying gifts only for immediate family members.  Friends, business associates and various and sundry support personnel will receive cards and possibly, if I am in the mood and have the time, a loaf of gingerbread or a box of homemade candy.  Which brings us to the next resolution:
2. Any baking or candymaking I do will be done because I was in the mood and had time.  In other words, if I decide, on a weekend, that I’d like to spend a few hours with my daughters making gingerbread or fudge, and I have the ingredients or the money on hand to purchase said ingredients, I will do so.  If I never get that urge or find myself less affluent than I would like, then it won’t happen.  Should it not happen, I will experience zero guilt and zero anxiety as to whether everyone in my life will think I (a) suck or (b) no longer love them, because I didn’t give them their annual box of sugar, fat and empty calories.  Which, again, bring us to our next point…
3. Any baking or candy-making I do will be done, to whatever extent possible, using healthier ingredients.  (Healthier, not necessarily healthy.)  I will use organic ingredients, whole wheat flour, and I may even throw in some flax seed.  (In the gingerbread, not the fudge.  Eww!)  It’s still sugar, fat and calories, but if I can make it any healthier at all, I will.  Above all else, it will be as clean and free of chemical additives as I can make it.
4. Gifts, where given, will be chosen for maximum pleasure and likelihood of use, rather than chosen at the last minute in a panic because ED has seventy and YD only has sixty-nine.  (I exaggerate, of course.  But you see my point.)  My children will be encouraged, this year, to examine and appreciate this holiday as an occasion for togetherness, kindness and love, rather than a commercialistic orgy of spending on gifts that will, an hour later, be forgotten.  To that end…
5. I will begin, this very day, to ruminate on “non-gifts” that I can give my children.  I will write each of them a poem or essay, as I have done on occasion, that will have special and lasting meaning to them.  I will place said poem or essay in a frame or bind it in a folio, for a more aesthetic presentation.  I will make each of them a piece of jewelry – using materials I already have – or some other item.  I will plan to take them both, each week during the season, to spend time giving back to our community in ways that can make the holiday season more special for others.  (My dearest friend has already proposed a plan in this regard, and I am following her lead.  I hope that it will make this season stand out and be extra-special for all of us.)  In essence, I will look for ways to make the season special without spending money or resorting to material things.  Even the things I make for my children will not be special because of what they are, but rather because of the love and time that went into them.  Okay, yes, they will receive gifts – but not nearly as many as they usually do, and the ones they get will be specifically chosen because they need or want them and I know they will use them.  (I have done some planning ahead in that respect – I already know what they’re getting.)  Above all else, we will be spending far less than in a typical year.
6. I will take time regularly – every day, if possible, for the next eight weeks – to reflect on the blessings in my life, on who I am and what I have done, on what I want to do and who I hope to become, and on what my role is in the larger picture.  What can I do to make my presence in this world a positive thing for as many people as possible, while still loving and cherishing and caring for myself?  I will meditate, not brainstorm, and I will take the time to let each thought and insight permeate every fiber of my being before moving on to the next task or topic of thought.
7. I will breathe.  I will drink a cup of tea and watch the snow fall, when it does.  I will meditate.  I will read for pleasure as well as for edification.  I will spend some time every day just being, and letting my soul breathe.  Every day, even if it means the dishes don’t get done or the cards go out a few days later or I miss an episode of Ghost Hunters.  (Note to self:  maybe I should do this at lunchtime on Wednesdays.  I really don’t want to miss GH.)
8. Everything I do to these ends, every single thing, will be done mindfully and lovingly and with joy.  If I can’t do it that way, then I won’t do it.  Gift shopping will be undertaken in this frame of mind, as will baking or cooking, as will gift wrapping and holiday movie-watching and card-signing and addressing.  At no point will I do any of these things because I have to.  I will do them because I want to, with love and joy in the anticipation of the pleasure it will bring to others.  You know – the way it’s supposed to be done…but in my house, rarely is.

As might be obvious by now, this year I want the season to mean something, and I don’t want it to mean “stress”.   If the holiday season is going to be angry and stressed and tired and panicked, then honestly, I’d rather not observe it at all, which seems sad to me.  So instead, I’m going to make a concentrated non-effort.  I’m going to spend more time thinking, and less time doing.  I’m going to make it special by not working nearly so hard to make it special, if that makes sense.  It’s an experiment, I’ll admit, and it’s possible that I’ll end up with everyone feeling neglected and ignored.  I hope not, but we’ll see.

Habit-Forming

I don’t really have a lot to say this morning, but I do want to get back into the habit of blogging regularly.  I’ve missed it, and trying to find time to fit it in hasn’t worked well, so I’m going to have to make time instead.  Just like exercising, and preparing healthy meals…if it’s something that’s beneficial to your life and health, you can’t afford to wait for the time to appear.  You have to carve it out.  It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary, and it’s always worth it.

I’ve been working on making some lifestyle changes to try to manage some of the symptoms I think might be signs of RA.  I had a long talk with my mom the other night about her diagnosis and the early stages of her disease, and I’m educating myself gradually.  I’ve eliminated a few foods, cut back on others, added some, and am taking a couple of supplements.  Well, to be honest, right now I’m just taking ginger, in addition to the things I was taking before.  I’d planned to add turmeric but haven’t really yet; I have it, I just haven’t been taking it.

The thing is, I know I will have to get medical care, and I am going to.  But first, I want to make as many lifestyle changes as I can and solidify them into habits, because I know myself.  Once I am on medication, I will rely on it and the lifestyle changes – if they have not become rock-solid habits – will seem less important, less worth the effort.  So I am trying to be smart, not to be too much in denial about what is probably happening, but also keep in mind my specific idiosyncracies and work to minimize their impact.

DH has a job interview next week that could change our lives completely.  I don’t want to go into a lot of detail about it because it’s not for sure, but it’s close.  If it pans out, we’ll be moving, and it will be something I wouldn’t have dared to hope for.  I will still probably have to work, at least until ED is through college, but probably only part-time – and there’s a good chance that I can do it on my terms.  In other words, if I can make money writing, I could do that and only that.  I don’t have to get rich at it, I just need to supplement our income, and I think I can do that.  In fact, if I put out the effort, I know I can.  So it’s time to get serious, stop making excuses and letting things interfere, and just do it.  Yet another thing important enough to carve out time for.  (Please to ignore the dreadful grammar.  I promise I’m usually a better writer.)

The thing is, if this pans out, DH will be living in another state for a few months before we join him.  About six months, in fact.  Which will put more responsibility on my shoulders, true, but not that much.  What it will do, however, is make my evenings somewhat empty – which is a good thing.  That’s time carving itself out, right there, for so many of the things that matter.  Writing, exercise, meal prep…weekends, too, will be different, as it will be too far for him to come home on weekends.

Will I miss him?  Of course.  I am quite certain that I have no idea how much I will miss him, and that it will be more than I thought possibly.  I’m sure it will be lonely.  But it will also be a God-given opportunity to prove that I can make money doing what I love.  I have to do that.  I have to prove to him (and to myself) that this isn’t a pipe dream, that this is something I can and will do.  If I can do that, then I will be able to justify to him (and to myself) not getting a full-time, 9 to 5 office job.

Worst case scenario, I get a job as a receptionist somewhere, part-time.  If I can get anyone to ignore the fact that it’s a huge step down in qualifications and in money.  If I don’t care, then they shouldn’t, but we all know that’s not generally the way it works.

Regardless, the simple fact of where we’d be moving would be enough to make this a hugely positive thing…I think.  I have some niggling ambivalence about it, because I know it could have bad effects as well, but I’ll write more about that later, when the ink is dry on the contract.  I do still suffer from “magical thinking” somewhat, and I don’t want to jinx it.

And now I’ve carved out all the time I can, and I have to get to work.  But I’ll be back soon, I promise, and I hope that in the meantime everyone has a wonderful day.