Wednesday Wisdom

Well, probably more like musings or even random thoughts…but I like the alliteration of this better. 

I’ve been doing some thinking – cause, you know, that’s my thing.  When things get difficult or confusing or aren’t going the way they should be, I retreat into pure mental processing to try to find my way through.  And one of the things I have been thinking about is the because.

Here’s the problem, and bear with me because it’s going to be tough to get my thoughts into any kind of coherent order.

Why is it that sometimes it is so hard to stick to a plan, and sometimes it’s so easy? I may have the same cravings every month…but some months I’ll fight tooth and nail and still give in, while others I will sail through and never really have to struggle that hard.

I think the answer (in part – I think there are many answers, which is why it’s so hard to fix) is that there are some months when “cheating” (for lack of a better term) is simply not an option. It’s like there’s a little switch in the brain that changes lenses…one lens views “bad” food as yumyumthatswhatineedyepletsgoforit (Voice 1, for those who read yesterday’s meanderings) and the other lens views it as simply not an option. (Voice 2, obviously.) It’s just not a possibility. That’s the lens that kicks in when you’re at home at 11:30 at night and the kids are asleep and you’re craving something horrible, but there’s just nothing in the house. You don’t have to hold yourself back from the potato chips in the cabinet, because there aren’t any. You still crave them, but you’re not really struggling, because there’s nothing to struggle against. The idea of getting in the car, leaving your kids alone in the house and going to the store to get those potato chips is absurd, and your brain recognizes it. So that craving loses some of its power. If it’s a real chemical craving (read PMS or just another step in a cycle of carb-loading) then you will still have it, but it won’t be an unbeatable craving for that particular item, because it’s an impossibility. Or, say, you’re craving…oh, I don’t know, a cheeseburger from a restaurant that’s four states away. Yeah, you want it, but you know there’s no way in hell it’s going to happen. So it loses power, because it’s an impossibility.

So…what is it that makes that lens click into place when you’re not in a situation like that? Say, when you’re at work, and the drugstore is right across the street, loaded with tons of carb-laden fat bombs? Because sometimes – okay, to be fair, a lot of the time! – that happens. I will have cravings, and I will be hungry – but the thought of going over and buying that crap is like the idea of going to the moon. Sure, it would be fun, but it’s absolutely outside the realm of possibility.

Upon consideration, I realize that those times are generally when I have one of a few things going on: (a) I’m in a challenge that I’m seriously motivated about, and don’t want to blow; (b) I have a hard and fast goal that I am bloody determined to reach come hell or high water (usually because I have a doctor’s appointment or something similar); or (c) I’m on a streak and have been doing exceptionally well, and am determined not to blow it. In all of these cases, “cheating” is simply not a possibility because.

Because what, you ask? It can vary. There has to be something after that word that has real power for me. Which leads me to the conclusion that I am incurably goal-oriented and reward-motivated. It’s not ever enough to tell myself “You can’t do that because you will gain weight.” Nope, sorry, doesn’t do it. Negative consequences aren’t enough to stop me, and they never have been. It’s far, far too easy to say, “Yes, but one indulgence doesn’t make me fat.” And that’s true, and I know it’s true, so my brain dismisses that. The “cheat” is still very much a possibility.

No, there has to be something definite, something I want, something powerful. Last month, the stars on the calendar did it for me for a long, long time…so did the MDC. So did the doctor’s appointment. (At some point, that all failed, and I’m going to embark on an investigation to find out where, when, and why. Maybe that’ll be next Wednesday’s wisdom.)

But for today, I have realized that I need a goal. I need a system. I need something that is hard and fast that I want really badly, so that eating this crap and skipping workouts simply is not an option. (And yes, this all scares the living hell out of me with respect to maintenance, because what am I going to do when I don’t have a goal? But I’ll process through that and deal with that when I get to it.)  No matter how badly I want to not be motivated by a number on a scale…no matter how badly I want to just be doing this stuff because it’s the way I live and for no other reason…I have to recognize that I’m just not there.  Not yet.  Maybe never.  I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.  If I’m never there, I’ll just have to keep finding really good becauses.

So I’m setting some goals. I already have the remainder of the Memorial Day Challenge, and I’m setting aside the mentality that I’ve already blown that. There are two weeks left and I’m determined to end it lighter than I began it.

I have the WOMAN Challenge and though I haven’t done well with that so far, I am likewise determined to turn that around. That one has a long, long time yet to run, and a few bad days at the beginning will mean nothing if I get off my butt now and make it count. That one will keep my activity levels up.

I am setting myself another goal though. There are 18 days left in May. I want, at the end of the month, to have 15 gold stars. Memorial Day weekend is in there, and I know that will be tough, so every single day between now and then has to be a Gold Star day. Has to.

And by July 18, I want to weigh 155 pounds. Yes, that’s ambitious, particularly considering that even at my most successful, I do well to lose a pound a week. (That’s only about 8 weeks away.) But it’s not impossible. (That’s one of the keys – I have to really feel like I can achieve the goal if I just work hard enough. So if I were to say, I want to lose 3 pounds a week, it wouldn’t work, because I know that’s unrealistic for me.) So that’s my goal.

I ordered the 30-Day-Shred video yesterday. I am terrified of it because I know it’s going to kick my butt. I am not in the mood to strength train. I don’t want to do a DVD. I am tired of circuits and all I want to do is walk. BUT. If I start giving in to doing only what I want, I start slipping and I end up where I have been, eating crap and hardly exercising at all. And that’s how I got fat, and it’s how I’ll get fatter and stay fatter. So no more of that.

I have got to do this. I am determined to do this, and all I have to do is keep the right because in place. It can’t be abstract, it can’t be conceptual – it has to be a real, powerful, concrete reason why I can’t blow it.

So…those chips, and that chocolate, are not an option because:

1. I have Memorial Day Challenge teammates counting on me to at least post some kind of a loss;

2. I have WOMAN Challenge teammates counting on me to get motoring down the route;

3. I have a goal that requires me to lose an average of 1.6 pounds a week, and that’s going to require constant vigilance and mucho activity.

4. I have 15 gold stars to earn and 18 days in which to do it. There is no margin for error.

I’ve started out by packing my meals for the day and I’m making a commitment to 3 miles today, whether it’s outside or on the treadmill. (Supposed to rain, so treadmill most likely, but whatever.) AND I’m making a commitment to no fewer than 3 of my daytime office-interval workouts. 20 wall-pushups, 20 squats, 20 lunges, 20 bicep curls and 20 tricep kickbacks for each one. And at lunchtime, I’m doing at least 15 of three different ab exercises.

It sort of sounds like a lot when you haven’t been doing much of anything. But it’s nothing, NOTHING, compared to what I was doing. So no excuses, no bullshit, no other option. Because.

And that’s my wisdom, such as it is, for the day. I hope that everyone has a beautiful Hump Day and that all the right becauses are in place for you, so it’s smooth sailing even when the waters get rough.