Thursday Thankfulness: The Zen of Aging

Good morning…well, it definitely is morning, though a little earlier than I like.  Why, you might ask (okay, you probably wouldn’t, but let’s be hypothetical here) am I awake and posting at 3:30 in the morning?  That’s a good question, with a two-word answer:  allergy pills.  I never know how they’re going to hit me; this time, I’m wired.  Ah, well.  I’ll sleep when I’m dead, as the saying goes. 

Inspiration strikes at the oddest times, though, and wee-hour wakefulness generally prompts a bout of non-linear thought that can be very inspiring.  Today, for whatever reason, I am thinking of serenity.

One of the questions in the Ayurveda body-type test (more Deepak here, sorry!) asks if you consider yourself serene and easygoing, among other things.  I answered absolutely not, because I do tend to be an emotional weathervane for whatever is happening in my immediate vicinity.  However, as I observe my Elder Daughter and her turbulent (of course!) passage into womanhood, I’m rethinking that.

In the past 20 years, the person I am has changed dramatically.  As a young girl, as a teenager, and as a young adult, I was very emotionally volatile.  I was not only easily affected by just about everything, I seemed to seek out reasons to be upset or angry or hurt.  I refined overreaction and thin-skinned oversensitivity into an art form.  If I could possibly twist something someone said into a reason to be offended, I did, with gusto.  To top it off, I was horribly passive-aggressive and nonconfrontational, so once I’d worked myself up into that fit, I bottled it until it would escape in the form of slammed doors, snapped conversations and angry silences.  And occasionally, a broken dish or two.

Needless to say, the effect on my health, my marriage and my own mental stability were horrendous.  I won’t blame my weight problems on it, though certainly I am a stress-eater and I have no doubt my general misery was a contributing factor to some degree.  I can definitely blame the GERD, the hypertension, the migraines, and the TMJ on it, in large part.  And unfortunately, I passed on my tendencies to my children.  ED spent the first years of her life watching me behave this way, and I will forever regret this as I try, now, with the peace and questionable wisdom I have gained, to help her unlearn them.  And I can only hope that YD was young enough when I finally made a change, that the habits will be less ingrained with her.  Only time will tell.

Time, however, is a wonderful equalizer.  As I sit here now, I realize that I am not that person anymore.  I am still very non-confrontational and I do still over-analyze things that people say and do.  I still wonder, when someone around me is upset, what it is that I did or said that caused it – even when I know, rationally, that it probably has nothing to do with me.  I am still afraid of being rejected, ridiculed, or dismissed as unworthy or unintelligent.  My decisions are still made, to some small extent, in response to fear and insecurity.

But I am not perpetually angry.  I do not resent the people around me for anticipated or imagined rejections and unreasonable expectations.  I do not despise myself for all of my perceived failings, whether real or illusory.  I do not feel that life has shortchanged me, or conversely, that I am unworthy of what I have and it will therefore be taken from me at any moment.  I do not hate myself, my life, or anyone else.

That might not sound like a lot, but it’s huge.  To be at peace with myself…to be able to recognize that I have shortcomings, but not see them as a condemnation of my right to exist…to know that those around me may not always live up to my hopes, but that is likewise no condemnation of their right to be a part of my world…to understand that love and light and beauty and joy are so much more valuable, and more rewarding, than bitterness and “righteous” anger and hostility and hurt…I cannot ever have the words to fully explain what that means to me.

I still get angry.  Of course I do!  And sometimes, I’m okay with that, because sometimes anger is natural and logical.  When someone I care about is hurt, I get angry.  When I see something happening that is unjust and unfair and harmful, I get angry.  And sometimes, when I am hurt, I still get angry.  But I have somehow, along the way, learned how to let that go.  (I’m still working on learning how to calmly address the ones that can’t, or shouldn’t, be let go – I’m getting better at it but I still have a lot of work to do there!)  I have learned not to hold onto that anger and feed it.  I’ve learned to acknowledge it and accept it, find its source, and either note the changes that need to be made or realize that it’s not logical and release it.  I’ve learned, in short, to be kind to myself and others.

I’ll never be perfect.  I’ll never be that person who smiles gently upon her attackers and blesses them in a voice like a choir of angels.  I’ll never be that person who drifts peacefully through life with nary a ripple in the calmness of the emotional waters.  But I’ve learned to forgive.  I’ve learned to understand and accept without making excuses or condemning.  I’ve learned that anger is not always the right option, and it’s rarely the first or best.  I’ve learned that while people will hurt you, and sometimes it absolutely is intentional, most of the time you do have a choice as to how hurt you will be and how deeply you will allow it to impact you.  Most of the time, I am able to assume the best and to give the benefit of the doubt.  That is not, as I once assumed, a sign of weakness or stupidity or anything except sufficient self-love to refuse to be bitter and unhappy.

It doesn’t have to matter.  There is no obligation to be hurt and angry and offended.  Sometimes it’s the right response, but sometimes it’s not.  And as I’ve gotten older, and with the ups and downs life has had for me, I’ve learned a lot about knowing the difference.

So today, odd as it might sound, I’m thankful for getting older.  I’m thankful for the peace and serenity that it has brought me.  I’m thankful for lessons learned and changes made and judgment and discernment gained.  I’m not peaceful all the time, but I am a lot of the time, and it isn’t because life has magically gotten easier or people nicer.  It’s just because I’ve gotten older and surfed some rapids, and come out the other side stronger and better and calmer.  And I am so very thankful for that. Life is so much more beautiful and rewarding as a result.

[And I'll once again plug one of the tools that has helped me to learn these lessons.  I've mentioned it before, but honestly, I mention it every chance I get because of the profound effect it had on me:  the book Anger, by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It's not going to speak to everyone, I understand that, but if I am able to lead one single person who needs it, to find it, then my world is a better place.  ]

My wish for you today is peace, and serenity, and a moment or two of sheer bliss – and much to be thankful for!  Also, I’ll be away from the computer all weekend, so I hope that everyone has a beautiful weekend with lots of peace and relaxation and enjoyment.