Well, Happy Friday, everybody. I know we’re all happy the week’s (nearly) over, right? 
I’m in a better place today, mentally and emotionally. I was telling DH today at breakfast that I think the lesson in all this (you know I believe there always is one) is, as Janet Jackson would say, all about control. As in, I have none, and I must acknowledge and accept that. I get this lesson a lot but my absorption of it often falls short of the ideal – which, I have no doubt, is why I keep getting the lesson.
I’m making the emotional adjustment to my new normal, meaning I will be away from home a lot of nights. It’s one of those things my heart initially rebels against, but my mind has to step in and point out is unavoidable. So there’s a moment of railing against the inevitable, but eventually I accept that there’s no real alternative and deal with it. And that’s the other side of the “control” coin – because in letting go and accepting the situation, I am able to regain some control, by recognizing my own level of decision-making in this process.
I’ve posted before about choices – in a nutshell, that there always is one. I won’t reiterate that but if you want to read it go here. Even in this situation, I absolutely do have a choice. I could certainly go about my own normal life and let my mother fend for herself. Yes, it is a choice that is abhorrent to my very nature and really, to my mind at least, monstrous. But the option is there. I could tell someone else in my family that it’s their problem and I’m just too busy to deal with it – which is an option that has certainly been chosen by some…but again, abhorrent, selfish, and pretty much inexcusable in my book. Neither of these fit with who I am, or who I want to be. The choice I have made, which involves a very delicate and intricate balance between my responsibility to my mother and my responsibilities to my husband and children, is the only one that is acceptable to me as a compromise.
So the choices are there, they just aren’t choices I can live with. But it’s important for me to know that this is my choice, and not an inevitability that has been thrust upon me. I am not forced to do this. I choose to do this, because…oh, lots of because-es. Because I love my mother. Because she nurtured me, loved me, cherished me, cared for me, accepted me…the list goes on and on. Because she did so much for me – but not in a “now I owe her” sense. In a “I appreciate the enormity of her devotion and dedication to me, and the depth and degree of her love and care” sense. And because it’s the right thing to do. And because in the end, I need to do this – I need to know that she is taken care of. I need to know that she is loved and made comfortable and cared for by someone who will never make her feel ashamed or helpless or undignified because of her current condition.
In the end, I choose to do this, because I want my mother to be happy and safe and comfortable. Because I love her. And that, I can feel good about.
I know this isn’t a thought-pattern that will appeal to everyone, because I think a lot of times it’s very comforting to think in terms of what we are forced to do, or compelled or constrained by circumstances to do. Many people seem to be comforted by the idea that things are not their choice, not their idea, not their fault. I have always been sort of the opposite. I get very resentful and angry and discontent when I feel that I am pushed into anything, and I’ve come to a point in my life when I really do not want to feel those things. It’s time for me to stop taking the “out” of I have to or I don’t have a choice. That’s not working for me. I’m much calmer, happier, and more content when I look at things clearly and realize that there are other options, and that there is no “impossibility” connected with them. If I take them, the world will not stop turning. Even if it did, the fact that I can take them means they are there. But I make a choice not to take those options, based on the person I am and want to be, and the lifestyle I want to preserve. And knowing that makes all the difference.
It’s the same with eating and exercise, and I’m working very hard on remembering that right now. I need to choose to find ways to get it done, to stay healthy and take care of my body. It’s very easy for me to talk about how hard it is, how few options I have, how little time…but at the end of the day, the choice is mine whether I walk or lie on the couch, whether pack a cooler bag of healthy food or swing through Wendy’s or Taco Bell. Today, I chose the cooler bag. Tomorrow, I hope to do the same – but I am taking one day, and one choice, at a time.
On that note, I’m wishing you all sunshine, cool breezes, and a weekend filled with positive choices and lots of joy. Happy weekend!
So true. Life is all about choices, even when some of the choices are just too ugly to contemplate for more than a split second. In the end, isn’t it a *gift* to be able to do this for your mother? For all the reasons you listed and more.
And I wonder if this might prove to be an opportunity for your daughters to “step up to the plate” and help out at home? When I was a teenager, my Mom had surgery and I became quite the domestic diva. I cooked, I cleaned, I washed, dried and folded–I did it all. It probably lasted until she shuffled in the door from the hospital, but I did take care of things while she was gone.
Hope you have a great weekend! Don’t forget to breathe!