Wednesday Wisdom: Choose Your Battles

Happy Hump Day!  I’m trying to be more consistent about blogging so I thought I’d…

Sorry, distracted for a minute by Random Hottie entering the building through the back door, which I can see from my window.  He must be new, I’ve never seen him before.  No, I’m not ADD, why do you ask?  Hah.

Anyway.

Nothing profound for you today, just a basic concept of which I need to be reminded from time to time:  You can’t control what other people do, but you can control how you react.

Right now, I have a situation that I can’t do much about.  I’ve tried; it doesn’t do seem to make any difference.  I can’t affect the dynamic or the other people’s actions, and I’ve been struggling with this for a while.  This morning, I realized something, though.

There’s a huge element of passive-aggressive button-pushing going on.  My behavior in certain respects lately has not been what others want it to be.  Never mind why, or if it’s justified – I’ve been through all that already, and I know that the things I am doing are what I have to do to keep myself sane and functioning.  But they aren’t suiting others’ notions of what I should be doing or saying, in part because I am standing up for myself and my needs and refusing to let myself be pushed around and dominated.  So the retaliation is to do and say things that these people know will cause certain reactions in me.  That’s immensely frustrating.

But I realized this morning that it doesn’t have to be.  Because, since I am aware of this, I can choose not to react.  I can, as I phrased it to a friend recently, disconnect that button.  I can’t control them pushing it, but I can absolutely make sure that the button is a dummy and has no effect.

So, for today at least, my goal is to treat that button-pushing the way I would treat a gnat buzzing around my face.  Yes, it’s annoying – but swatting at it does no good at all.  I’m going to note it, file it away and go on about my business, not altering my actions one whit in response – and since I don’t want it flying in my mouth, I am going to keep my mouth shut. 

I’m not doing this on the assumption that “if I ignore it, it will go away” because I know it won’t.  But that’s okay.  It will still be there, but it won’t be distressing me.  And I’m not doing it because I know it will piss off and frustrate the “gnats”, even though I’m sure it will, because that’s not actually my goal either.  (I hate conflict and I actually don’t like making others unhappy, despite what people will think and say about me.)  I am just choosing to control my own happiness and functionality to the greatest degree possible.

So my wisdom for today is to pick your battles.  Stop and think, before charging in, whether (a) it’s worth fighting about; and (b) if fighting would actually change anything, or if it would only stress you out further.  If the answer to either question is no, let it go.  Smile politely, ignore it, and move on – and when I say ignore it, I mean inside as well as out.  Because someone else being an ass doesn’t have to affect you if you choose not to let it.  [Note:  Of course, this only applies to things that really can't affect you.  If someone is doing something that really is going to affect you, and that you can actually do something about, I don't ever advocate just lying there and letting them do it.  Stand up for yourself if you need to.  Just know which situation you're in and act accordingly.]

In other words (and I shouldn’t need reminding of this, as I have these words taped on my monitor, but somehow I forget anyway):  It Doesn’t Have To Matter.

Here’s wishing you all a serene, happy day free of gnats, mosquitoes, jerks, and other pests.