Lately I’ve caught myself reverting to a lot of old, bad habits – poor diet and almost no exercise are among them, but are actually the least concerning, surprisingly.  I’m a lot more concerned about the mental and emotional habits, actually.  I’ve found myself thinking, feeling and behaving in ways I haven’t in years, and was hoping I never would again.

In the past, what has worked well for me has been to sit down and methodically compare notes about the times in my life when I’ve behaved this way before – what is going on now that was going on then?  What is the same, and what is different?  Then – and perhaps this is even the more important step – I’ve taken the times in my life when I’ve overcome those habits, and compared notes in the same way.  What was different then?  What was I doing differently that made it possible for me to be more the person I want to be, and less the person I used to be?

Right now, I’ll skip the first step – I’ve done it, but I won’t relate it, because I don’t think anyone would take much away from it and it’s pretty personal.  Also, dwelling on the negative is only helpful for information-gathering purposes; beyond that point, it just causes me to spiral downward.  So I’ll focus instead on the times in my life when I was happiest, most emotionally healthy and stable, and most positive.  What was I doing then, that I’m not doing now?  What was I not doing then, that I am now?

• Exercise – during the past few years when I was at my highest point of health and happiness, I was most definitely exercising regularly.  Regularly means five nights a week, if not six.  Exercising means spending a significant period of time – no less than 30 minutes, and usually more, in a vigorous, organized activity for the sole purpose of being active.  Walking and/or running on the treadmill at a vigorous pace for at least 30 minutes, either while listening to music or watching TV (I will say the best emotional results seem to come from music, rather than TV.  Watching TV while on the treadmill doesn’t energize me the way music does; in fact, for me, it makes it harder to stay on, as I’d much rather be curled up on the couch watching TV); using my WiiFit and doing a full strength/cardio/yoga routine; using a DVD like the Biggest Loser workout or my 30-Day Shred; or doing a Jillian Michaels.com circuit.   Why I haven’t been doing this: The reasons are actually several, and most of them boil down to excuse-making.  I’ve been tired – while this is true, I know that if I summon up th energy to get started and force myself through the first few sessions, my fatigue will decrease and my energy levels will come up.  I’ve been physically unable to do as much – very true, and I am going to have to make some modifications to protect my joints and allow for my condition, but they’re minor modifications and do not in any way preclude regular, vigorous exercise.  In fact, exercise will actually benefit me enormously in terms of decreased pain and increased mobility.  I don’t have time – I’ll address this one later in detail, but at my best, I made time, I didn’t wait to have it.  The time is there, I’m just spending it doing other things, and this one is definitely under my control.  I feel guilty for working out alone, to my schedule, instead of finding ways to include my workout buddy – this one is hard for me to get around, because my tendency to try to make everyone happy comes into play and this person is very important to me.  But I also know that she would in no way want me to compromise my goals by doing this, and this is the height of excuse-making.  I’ve been doing nothing at all unless I can do it with her, and our schedules are very different.  I’m using her as an excuse to fail, and that’s a huge disservice to her, and not something she would ever in a million years tolerate if she knew I was doing it.
• Eating regularly, cleanly, and healthfully - when I was at my best, I was eating six small meals a day, and they were as healthy as I could make them.  I’ve learned a lot since then and continue to learn every day about really eating cleanly, and I know that it wasn’t actually anything approaching clean, but I was eating things I believed to be the best things I could feed my body, and I was dedicated and religious about it.  This is as much about a mindset as it is about actual nutrition, for me.  I was devoting real attention and energy to caring for myself lovingly.  I was preparing meals in advance, spending the necessary time and energy to prepare myself for a day of healthy eating, every day.  I was planning and executing consistently, because I knew I was worth it, and I was avoiding the unhealthy things I used to eat, because I knew they would damage me in the long run.  Why I haven’t been doing this:  this really boils down to falling into old patterns of thinking.  In some areas, I have made huge strides – I’ve been educating myself about the effect that different substances have on the body, the metabolism, and the hormonal balances, and I’ve started buying all-natural and organic whenever possible.  Every month (I shop monthly, so that’s how I gauge progress) I do a little more toward making sure the things I bring into my home are clean.  This is critically important when you have an autoimmune disorder, as I do, but it’s just as important if you have a genetic predisposition toward autoimmune disorders, as my children do.  So I’m doing this as much for them as for me, though I do have to fight them every step of the way.  I’m trying to find ways to make sure they can have the things they love, so they don’t feel deprived, but still make them as healthy as possible.  [Quick product plug - Annie's line of organic foods is amazing.  They produce an amazing number of products that are similar to what you're already eating - the Cheddar Bunnies and pocket sandwiches are two of my favorites - but they're all-natural, generally organic, and additive-free.  It's still processed food, but they've eliminated nearly all of the processed-food demons and make it a little easier to be clean and still have some level of convenience.]  However – and it’s a big however – I’ve also fallen back into some habits like fast food when I have errands to run (or just when I feel like it), unhealthy snacks like potato chips and candy, and the biggest demon of all, emotional eating.  If I’m tired, hurting, unhappy, stressed, or just about anything at all, I give in to those old habits – hit the drive thru or the convenience store – because it will make me feel better.  And just like old times, it does – for a little bit.  And then I feel worse, and the cycle continues.  The red flag here is when I make the decision to do it because, as I literally say to myself, “I just don’t care”.  And that’s absolutely indicative of the problem.  I don’t care, but it’s not the consequences I don’t care about, it’s myself.  I don’t care enough about myself to be strong and intelligent about my choices.  That’s the mental and emotional pattern I have fallen into.
• Meditation or other quiet, alone time – at my very best, I was actively planning and taking a certain amount of time, every day, to be by myself, to focus on being healthy and joyful and appreciating the positive things in my life.  This is a broad category and includes blogging – which I have nearly ceased doing – actual meditation, escaping for a half-hour or so to the state forest to absorb the peace and beauty there, and a dozen other things I do that just make me feel alive, aware of the world around me, and peaceful.  I was consciously placing myself in a mental state that allowed me to understand and appreciate my own emotions and thoughts, and that confers a huge degree of control over those thoughts and feelings.  Why I haven’t been doing this – this is more complicated, and more difficult to decipher.  The best I can come up with is just a general downward spiral of negativity.  I can’t exactly pinpoint where or why it started, but once it started I stopped feeling like it was worth the time and energy to keep myself focused and in that “zone”, and once that happened I stopped trying, which of course caused my whole mental state to deteriorate further, and so on.  Part of this is physiological and chemical, I recognize – I am flirting with perimenopause, which is playing merry hell with my hormones and neurotransmitters – but I also know that giving in to it has fed that cycle and made things worse.

There’s a lot more I could say – hell, I’m sort of know for saying more on any subject than ten people would say or want to hear – but it all sort of follows the same pattern.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped caring about myself or thinking I was worth taking time to care for.  The thing is, there’s a lot going on in my life that has caused stress and imbalance, but those aren’t the things that have changed.  There was stress and imbalance even when I was at my best.  Some of that stress was much, much worse than what I’m currently experiencing – and much of what I am currently experiencing has been fed by my own disaffection.  So while I have been blaming my malaise on stress and uncertainty and ill-health and a million other things, the Seeker in me knows that it’s really the other way around.  Somewhere along the way, I lost the thread of self-care and putting myself first, and it has paid off in unhappiness and fatigue and illness and strained relationships.

But there’s an up side.  I know better.  I am more educated, and more self-aware, than this.  I am not the person I have been allowing myself to be.  I need to regain mental clarity, emotional balance, and physical well-being, but that’s okay, because I know how to do that.  I know that it’s not a matter of sitting down and making a plan and setting goals and defining steps and stages.  The O-C, anxiety-disorder-prone part of me wants it to be, and tries to convince the rest of me, but the Seeker knows better.  What it really is, is a matter of taking that first step – every day.  Of caring for myself, of doing the little things that seem pointless or ineffectual but are actually the grains of sand that add up to the mountain that is happiness and stability.  A guest poster on MizFit’s blog related that she began by simply flossing her teeth every day – and it really is that simple.  Never saying, “Oh, it’s just too much bother” to do that one little thing that is good for me.  Never making that choice to be angry and resentful of the demands others make, so that I can use that as an excuse to not do what I should.  Instead, exercising Flylady’s “do it now” principle and just doing it.  Flossing my teeth – or shaping my eyebrows, or hanging up the suit instead of tossing it on the quilt rack, or curling the hair even though I don’t feel like standing there with the curling iron, or putting together the salad instead of saying “I’ll do it tomorrow” when I know I won’t.  Little things.  Every day.  And just putting one foot in front of the other, again and again.

So if there’s a plan, this is it, I guess.  I’m going to start thinking about each choice I make and not letting the bone-deep fatigue influence it, because the fatigue will ebb when I start making the good choices.  I know this, whether my heart can believe it or not, and I am strong enough to do it.  I know I am, I’ve seen me do it…I guess I just forget sometimes.  But in meditation, it is said that even if you spend the entire session doing nothing but bringing your attention back to your breathing over and over again, you have been successful.  Life’s the same way, I think.  It’s not failure because you keep straying, it’s success because you keep coming back.