Yeah, it probably is. 🙂 Oh well.
Today is officially designated, in the Calendar of Valerie, as “Face Up To The Hard Stuff Day”. It’s the first Monday of the new year…back to normal work weeks, normal schedules, normal everday boring humdrum life. And as such, time to sober up, take stock, and face the music. And any other grim cliche-type similes you can come up with. 🙂
So…I stepped on the scale this morning, defying my own determination not to do so till Wednesday, cause I wanted to know just how bad it is and where I’m starting. 166. Not horrible. Not fabulous, but not horrible, particularly considering how very very bad I’ve been. But I’m not really making a judgment either way about it. I don’t really care what the number is, I just want to know so I can gauge progress. Because I realized something yesterday, something rather unpleasant.
I am probably not ever going to be really happy with the way my body looks. I am currently in a smaller size than I have been in for years; my muscles are certainly more toned than they have ever been in my entire life; I am at my lowest weight in 13 years. Yet…when I look at Christmas pictures, and even the pictures my daughter took of me yesterday, my first reaction is still “ugh”. And my second reaction…and all the other reactions, for that matter. Heh.
My legs are never going to be little. They just aren’t. They never really have been and I think I’m going to have to accept that. My boobs are never going to be cute and perky and full…sorry, just not happening. My butt…well, let’s just say that baby has DEFINITELY got back, and probably always will have. 🙂
There is definitely room for the legs and butt to get smaller – they aren’t totally muscle, there is unquestionably still fat there – but the boobs are, I am afraid, hopeless. There may be surgical intervention in my future there, because that in particular is pissing me off. Pardon the language. But whatever.
So okay, I know what I’m up against. I know you can’t ever “spot reduce” so I don’t need to change anything…I just have to keep doing (or get back to doing!) what I have been doing, and eventually the fat will be gone. Then we’ll see. But I’m beginning to accept that I am not ever going to be Carmen Electra. Sigh.
It was a bit depressing, actually. I am better this morning; not completely upbeat about it, but more accepting. This is all part of the whole mental adjustment that I’ve been trying to do for the past couple of weeks…and I’m definitely not there, but I know I’ll get there. I think 2008 is going to be as much about adjusting my head as it is about adjusting my waistline. I have to find a happy medium…a place where I am healthy, strong, and fit, and where my brain can accept that I am as good as I need to be; that I won’t ever be perfect and I don’t have to be.
So there you have it; I don’t do “resolutions” as such, but there’s my goal for 2008. To get my body in the best place it can be, and my head where it needs to be. I am shooting for 30 pounds this year, or a size 6, whichever comes first. Tall order? Yeah. 🙂 Doable? Totally, IF I can maintain focus and some sort of common sense.
(As an aside, I use the word “totally” way too much. I am such a child of the 80s. I have to break myself of that.)
So I’m starting the day/week/year a bit down, but grimly determined. I have learned so much in the past year and a half, and I’m more than a bit pissed off at myself for utilizing so little of that new knowledge. I know what I need to do, and I have got to stop accepting my own excuses for not doing it. Not because I need to be “skinny” – but because I am selling myself short. I am wasting time being self-indulgent and lazy, time that could be spent doing things for me. I think that’s my mental stumbling block…I forget that exercise and eating right are not a punishment, but a way of showing myself love and nurturing. It’s long past time for me to get my head back in the game and remember why I started all this. Not to get thin…to get healthy. To spend my 30s being the best person I can be, and head into my 40s feeling better than I ever have in my life.
I’m also having to face up to my own neglect of my personal and professional responsibilities. My workload is enormous, okay, but damn it, I am capable of handling it. I just haven’t been doing it. My house has been so pathetically neglected…I spent over an hour last night just on the kitchen, because it disgusted me to even walk into it. I had three days at home last week; there is no excuse for the state my house is in. So that’s my project for tonight and tomorrow…
…and was going to be my project for Thursday, except that I just got a call telling me I have a dinner I have to attend that night. Lovely. :-{
Anyway…my short term goals (for this week): Get in every scheduled workout (which means getting up early Friday morning as I will work that evening); return to my structured eating plan; get ALL my water in; and get the house as decluttered and clean as I possibly can in the time available. Oh, and get my desk organized and cleaned off and the work caught up, here at work. And not scream at anyone or start fights at Target.
Dear God, that makes me tired. I am definitely going to have to take my vitamins. Happy Monday, everyone!
I think that self-love and acceptance of how we look is key. There’s a difference between self-love that’s “I deserve that” which could mean anything from twinkies, new clothes, the guy down the street, etc. versus “I love myself even when I have arms that rival Popeye’s.” One involves a bit of self-pity, jealousy, entitlement and the other one is acceptance and understanding.
I wish we could see ourselves as a whole and not as flabby arms, waist, thighs, etc.
As for the boobs, seriously, have you been fitted for a GOOD bra? I’m just saying a good bra will eliminate 10 pounds right off the bat.
Now, of course, I’m imagining you starting a food fight at Tarjay or flinging socks at someone. (I used to use at a store and the night crew was caught “bowling” with frozen turkeys. You can have fun anywhere.)
That is exactly right, and I couldn’t have said it better myself. Acceptance and understanding are EXACTLY what I’m shooting for.
I actually just got fitted for new bras, only I went with normal ones instead of push-up…and that’s sort of what prompted the whole anti-boob rant. Definitely should have stuck with the push-up! 😦 Part of the problem is really that as I shrink, so do they…and I’m just not proportionate at the moment. I think if the entirety of them would stay in the place where it all belongs, they wouldn’t be too bad. Heh! They just need some oomph.
But I still have a Victoria’s Secret gift card to use…so I’m probably going there this week to see what Victoria can do for me. 🙂
Flinging socks is not a bad idea! We do tend to fling things on occasion, especially if it’s not busy. There have been a few nights when we really had a marvelous time. I’m hoping business will slow down soon so we can have fun again, it’s just been so grim and brutal lately. I don’t work again till Wednesday and hopefully by then people will have their gift cards all spent and will stay home or go to church or something. 🙂 If they don’t, I’m flinging the socks anyway and God help them if they happen to be in the way. LOL
Well all I can say is just take one thing at a time…don’t think about everything that needs to be done, but just what you can do right now in the moment to help you towards your goals. You can only wash one dish at a time or eat one bite at a time, so take it step by step and don’t let yourself get buried of need to’s & must do’s. Definitely plan for the future, but live in the moment.
As for the boobs thing…there’s nothing like a good push-up bra…have fun shopping and maybe treat yourself to the matching undies 😉
xo,
Bex
You know, it is SO funny you should say that (about living in the moment, not the push up thing, though that is really funny) because…
I was thinking earlier today that I seem to spend all my time resisting being where I am or doing what I need to be doing. I waste so much time and energy on resistance and resentment…instead of sitting here thinking “I wish I were at home” why can I not just focus, be in the moment, and get done what I am supposed to be getting done? But I don’t. My mind just fixates on all the other things I’d rather be doing, and resenting the fact that I’m here. Or at Target, or at the grocery store, or any other place that isn’t where I want to be. It is such a pointless waste of energy and focus…
I really, really need to do some work on acceptance and living in the moment. I mean, I can’t change the fact that I have to be here, so there is no logical reason for me to be wishing myself elsewhere…
I don’t even know if that was coherent. I have mud-brain today for some reason…but the bottom line is you’re right. I need to take one moment at a time. AND get a good push up bra. 🙂