Well, I haven’t blogged in forever…I’m having a hard time sticking with “new” habits (actually old habits revisited) lately. There’s just so much going on and I’m struggling with my “deer in the headlights” method of stress-coping. You know, just freeze and wait for the half-ton of metal to smash you into a smear of ook on the pavement. And it would almost be okay except that the actual impact never comes.
I have had some good results. I got the insurance fiasco straightened out, finally. I’m still tempted to sue the mail-order people out of general principle; I know that anyone who wasn’t willing (or didn’t know how) to fight as long and rabidly as I did would have been completely screwed out of the coverage they should have had, and that makes me angry. Yes, it’s fixed for me – and I’m deliriously happy over that – but how many people have had to go without medication they need because of this tactic? It’s really not okay, and someone needs to do something about it. Unfortunately, the way our system works, a lawsuit is about the only thing you can do, and even that never really fixes anything. However, you can’t sue on general principle – you need to have some form of damages, and (fortunately for me) I don’t have anything quantifiable. So probably no lawsuit, much as they deserve one.
Regardless. That’s a soap box for which I simply don’t have the energy tonight. I am tired and depressed…I should be asleep, I could be asleep, but I can’t go to bed until the acid-reflux medication kicks in. Yet another health issue from days gone by that is rearing its ugly head lately. I have simply got to start really taking care of myself…I just can’t seem to find the energy or the enthusiasm for anything right now.
DH leaves in a week and a half. That makes me very sad. I think about how many people have to say goodbye to their spouses on a regular basis – military spouses are the obvious example, but there are plenty of people whose spouses work in other states regularly, and I’m just not sure how they manage it. It might not be so bad if we weren’t also trying to sell both the house and the cabin, which is going to require a lot of attention and upkeep from me. It would be a chore even with him here. Without him…I keep reminding myself that I can do it, and I will do it. I do know this. I just have a hard time believing it sometimes.
Here’s the thing. He’s my anchor. He’s my safety net. He’s my foundation and my GPS. He doesn’t solve my problems – he expects me to, and I do. But I know he’s there, if I come across one I just can’t solve. He would do it, or at the very least he would help me find a way. He doesn’t take care of me – he expects me to take care of myself, and I do. But if I honestly couldn’t, I know he would. He doesn’t coddle me or pamper me or hold my hand or treat me like a princess. He loves me and trusts me and believes in me enough to expect me to be a strong, independent partner – and I try to do exactly that. Most of the time I do okay. So do I need him here to take care of me? No. But I just feel so much safer and stronger and more confident knowing that he is here, and I could fall back on him if I absolutely needed to. In the end, it will be good for me to be self-sufficient for a few months, because I will admit I have begun to look to him for answers sometimes when I already know, or should know, the answer. Maybe this will remind me how to think for myself and expect more from myself than the bare minimum.
But all that’s really secondary and isn’t even really the issue. I am just going to miss him so much. I hate the thought of him being alone. I hate the thought of being here, in this house where we have shared so much and grown so much and made so many memories, without him. I hate the thought of opening the closet every morning and seeing how my clothes now have the space to completely take over – because his are gone. I hate the fact that when we sit down to dinner at night, I won’t hear “so, what were the big happenings at the (censored) Law Firm today?” That’s his litany, his invitation for me to share my daily life with him, and I’m going to miss it. Even when my answer is just “not much,” the simple ritual of it is just…priceless. Irreplaceable. The endless “good night” ritual that we have (engineered by our daughters over the years, it has grown from a simple “good night” to “good night; sweet dreams; I love you; see you in the morning; be safe” and each line has to be echoed by the receiving party, so it takes forEVER) – it somehow helps me fall asleep knowing that it’ll be okay, we’ll all still be here in the morning and life will go on. That sounds simplistic but let’s face it; I have anxiety disorder, OCD and am a constant victim of magical thinking, so little things like that can mean a lot.
It all comes down to the fact that I’ll miss him. I’m not angry, I’m not resentful, I’m not feeling sorry for myself or wishing it were different. This is a decision we made together, and I don’t regret it for a minute. It will be difficult and I am dreading it, but it is unquestionably the right decision for our family and the best thing we can do at this juncture in our lives. But I am scared, and I am unsure, and I am sad. I’m okay with that, because those are all appropriate emotions for me to be feeling right now – and one of the biggest aspects of the personal journey I’ve been making over the past few years is allowing myself to feel the appropriate emotions, rather than bottling them up, suppressing them, or trying to turn them into other emotions (like anger, for example). So I’m okay with feeling these things – and I know that he’s feeling them too, to some extent, whether he expresses them or not. And that makes me sad for him, because I so do not want him to feel that way. So…you know, I’m just a little sad, and apprehensive.
I’m terribly stressed about the whole real estate issue, because I cannot abide the unknown. I do not like not having control, not being able to plan, not knowing what to expect. I can’t stand endless variables…and my life right now is nothing but a series of endless variables. I can’t plan. Well, I can make several contingency plans – “if this happens, then we do that”, but I can’t rest easy in the certain knowledge of a timeline and an agenda. When things happen, I will have to react quickly, and knowing that always makes me panicky. I’ve coped with anxiety disorder by making sure my life is planned out as much as possible, so there are very few situations where I have the opportunity to panic. Right now…well, the Xanax prescription is getting a workout, is all I can say.
It’s hard on the kids, too. Not just knowing their Dad will be half the country away – though that is difficult – but also just the daily, chronic, low-level stress of the whole situation. Everyone’s tense, everyone’s uncertain, and we’re all acting out because of it. It’s going to be critical for me to really get my own emotions under control so I can be calm and give the girls something of an anchor in their own shifting currents. ED has a ton of stuff going on with senior year stuff, graduation and college prep, on top of it all. YD is a massive Daddy’s girl, so when DH leaves it will be a huge strain on her. She’s also understandably very anxious about being the “new kid” and starting over in a whole new place, when she has lived in this house all her life. Add in the beginnings of puberty, and she’s having a hard time. So I need to be there for them, and to do that I really have got to get a grip on myself first.
I miss spending time with my friends, too. For a lot of very, very good reasons there hasn’t been much friend time lately, and I miss it. I need it. There was a time when I didn’t, when I had taught myself not to, but I’ve let myself become dependent upon that over the past year or so, and now I’m sort of lost without it. It’s just so hard to make time for anything when there are always more things to do than hours in the day, and my energy levels are frankly nonexistent.
Staying up half the night writing isn’t going to help, either, except in terms of venting a little of the weepiness. But I’ve done that now, so I think it’s bedtime. Hopefully in the morning, I’ll have a little brighter outlook. I’m such a wet blanket at the moment…